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why??? [Jan. 3rd, 2005|07:10 pm]
I will be on restriction for a while because of my attitude.

Somebody save me.
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(no subject) [Dec. 31st, 2004|11:32 am]
Hello everyone,

Sorry I have not updated. I was having issues with LJ, and they are all fixed now- Phew.


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(no subject) [Dec. 26th, 2004|08:02 pm]
Hey Hey...

Finally back. Went up to NY to visit family. It's colder up there. Christmas was so awesome. I got everything I wanted, well except for a bf.

I hope you all had a great Christmas... need to go back and read LJ then I will update.

Tina, tried to call but you are gone, if you get this call me on the cell.
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(no subject) [Dec. 20th, 2004|10:49 pm]

Admitting your fear
is the only step to take
to get closer to reality
but i am ashamed

i dont know who i am anymore
or why i have no voice
my passions burn hot.....
hard, fast, throbbing urges
to create and be created
to mold and be the yielding
clay beneath someones hands

i ache and i yearn
to be set free
but what would i do with freedom
i would hide it away
like all the other gifts i possess

i am afraid of the person ive become
people dont understand me now
i want to speak my mind
but they refuse to listen

some great man once said
that conforming is comfortable
and now, sitting in a room full of my peers
(more like a room of judges)
i am as uncomfortable as a woman can be
i dont know what to do with my hands
to my lap, to my desk, look at my ragged nails
look back at the group, to my lap again

these are the acts of shame
and i know they all know
my judges in their robes
of varying length and style
i laugh to myself to think
that i am so much like them
on the outside

Hmph, outside... now there's an interesting choice of words
- - - that is where i sit in our little talks
on the outside
and i fidget and i worry
and i carefully plot each word
that stumbles from my lips

i feel like i am no longer in control
of my own body
i am ashamed of myself
because i am different
i dont know every word that
was supposedly written in
the Book that they all love
i dont know why my ignorance
is such a bad thing
They dont know about my Love
They dont want to know
if they ignore Her then She will go away
i am ashamed for what i believe
and if they ignore me i might just go away too

AH HA! but its no that simple
i am the Love; She is me
and We shall not be ashamed
like a failed magick trick
I shall not fade away
each day I will shine with the light of my Goddess
burning within me

and even though i sit on the outside
even though i fidget with my hands
even though they think their Book is better
I will not yield to them
they shall NOT mold me
they shall NOT create me
for I am my own perfection
I am the reflection of a pure and honest Love

I am a force of nature to be savored and avoided
my shame shall be like a sleeping volcano
trembling and changing all the earth around my base
when they least expect it
I shall erupt victoriously and proclaim myself
to all that She has created

I will not die on the outside in silence
but I will make myself
the inside of my own world
and then by the grace of All that is Good
They will be ashamed
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I miss you [Dec. 20th, 2004|08:18 pm]
[mood |sadsad]
[music |This use to be our playground- Madonna]

1. tell me something obvious about you. - Chubby

2. tell me something about you that many don't know.- I love deep poems

3. what is your biggest fear? Spiders

4. do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?- Safe

5. name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.- Love

6. what is your most treasured possession?- My cat

7. what is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often? Weight

8. tell me something sexually about you that i don't know.- ah VIRGIN!! proud of it

9. tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.- Im lonley- no boyfriend, but I like someone

10. what is your favourite lie to tell? I can't tonight, don't feel well

11. name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again. Thinking.... will have toi get back to you on that

12. are you the jealous type? Very - betyween both sexes. Mess with my guy, or mes with my friendships.  We have this circle of friends.  I hate when a new one joins, and tried to take over with all the plans, likes to exclude people, rude to the girls.

13. what is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to? I can't say his name.

14. what is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you? - Tami burnt me a CD of all our favorite songs that we grew uptogether with.. Made me cry.

15. if you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?  Dance like no one is watching

16. when was the last time you cried? This morning.

17. when was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered? When the guy I like looks me straight in the eye when I am talking to him, and really listens.


18. do feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?  ah no.

19. name something embarrassing you did while being drunk. Don't need alchol or drugs to feel good, I am already high on life. I only live once, why screw my brain cells up so I can't remeber. No fun. 

20. Have you been hurt? Many times

21. Have you hurt someone? Yes

22.  Ever loose a best friend, and wish with all your might to have that friend back? Yes. This is very sad,  but she was a long time best friend  of  8 years, and we stop talking over a 4 minute fight.   She hurt my feelings when she told me that my weight was getting out of control.  Back then, I thought she was being mean.  Now I look back and I see she was trying to help.  I was always complaining about my weight as I was stuffing down a burger or 2.  She was just being honest.  Friends are suppose to help you out, and I threw it away.  I wrote her an apology, but she never got it.  She died of phemonia :(  I miss you Sara  *5-22-04.  This will always live with me adn I will never ever forgive myself. I love you Sara.

I am going now to cry.

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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2004|10:46 pm]
[mood |sicksick]

Friday is finally here, and over with! I think I passed my exams. well I just took some sleeping nquil, so off to bed i go. zzzzz

I like somebody- hehehe
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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2004|03:45 pm]
Agh, didn't feel too good today. I was up late last night studying so I didn't get much sleep. That's what happens to me. I don't get at least a certain amount of hours of sleep, then I get really sick. The reason for it mostly though was because I was up looking for colleges. People have been saying things to me that are freaking me out, so now I am dying here.

At least tomorrow is Friday. Man I need it to be the weekend. No school for 2 weeks-
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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2004|03:40 pm]
Britney Spears went to Staples on Rt 17 in East Rutherford, NJ today.

coldest day so far this winter...in a tank top, holding her dog.

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(no subject) [Dec. 15th, 2004|07:41 am]
[mood |enragedenraged]

I can tell this is going to be a really bad day. The withc is on the loose. OMG I hate school and everyone, well except my BF Tami.
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2004|11:40 pm]
[mood |crazycrazy]

Hey ya'll!
im in a better mood than yesterday.....muuuuuuch better. i think sitting there and getting all my anger out by like practically banging the keyboard just to type that lil entry there about how mad i was got out some of my anger, cuz like after class i felt much better and i was happy and laughing. for me thats the usual so that was good.....lol. for those who know me......i dunt get mad very often but i did yesterday. cept for when i occasionally get mad like at the computer or sumtin like that. Tami n cherish r such good freinds at that time...lol...well in the sense that they sit there n laugh at me n say its funy whne i get mad n make fun of my different laughs....(yes i do have more than one...i know it sounds dumb..) newayz i feel rely good rite now n case u haven't gotten that point yet...lol well g2g i suppose i'll b on to rite sumtin later...byez!
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